Journalism, it’s mindset, it’s standards and ethics, made me a better person. It taught me to be open-minded, ask a lot of questions (even if you think you know the answer), research the source to determine credibility, don’t make up your mind until you have all the facts and most importantly, get both sides of the story.
Those skills sunk in and have taken over my thought process when I’m not working as a journalist.
One of the simplest lessons I learned came from learning to interview.
Having a conversation doesn’t seem difficult. One person talks. The other responds.
Ah, if it were only that easy.
You see, the problem with most people is they don’t listen to what the other person is saying, understanding the depth of the words meaning, and probing for more information.
Instead, they listen for a keyword and while the speaker is completing their thought, the listener is searching their mental database for that keyword, looking for a similar situation to relate back when its their turn.
Doing this, the listening turns off while the brain does its thing.
As soon as the speaker takes a breath, the listener continues the so-called “conversation” with the keyword in mind and relates their experience with little acknowledgement of what was said.
This monotonous back-and-forth has taken over our interactions, and it’s a damn shame.
When I began learning journalism, we were taught this mind-blowing skill of interviewing:
Research your subject so you can ask deep-probing questions. Before the interview make a list of the questions you want to ask. When you conduct the interview, ask the question, then LISTEN to the answer. Often, the subject says something much more interesting than what you have prepared. When that happens, follow up! You can always go back to your prepared questions.
Now think about that. We had to be taught TO LISTEN TO SOMEONE’S ANSWERS.
One of the examples my professor gave was a common one. You’ve got an interviewer, say Barbara Walters, with index cards full of questions. You’re watching the interaction from your comfy couch.
Babs asks, “So, …. How did you discover the cure for cancer?”
She looks down at her notes, getting ready for the next question so there’s no lull in the taped conversation.
The fictional doctor says, “It was an accident. One of the monkeys got into the fridge and drank the medication. We found the empty vial next to his cage. The next day, the monkey’s cancer was gone and he didn’t die.”
Now that’s a very interesting (and implausible) story but it just for fun. But because Baba Wawa wasn’t listening, she asked the next question on her card.
“So, how long have you been a doctor?”
You on the couch: “Whaaaat?”
Dr. “Twenty years.”
You: “What about the monkey?”
Baba: “And being a doctor makes you happy?”
You: (now yelling at the TV) “Barbara, what are you doing? Ask him about the monkey! How did it get into the fridge? Wasn’t the vial sealed? How did it get the lid off? Why do you think the monkey did that?”
…. And any number of other follow-up questions.
Instead of listening to the story, Baba made the mistake that most of us do. She wasn’t listening and missed a very important, unexpected fact that was more interesting than her prepared questions.
Now, this brings us to normal conversation, and the headline to this blog. Journalism made me a better person. You see, before that lesson, I did as we all do:
Listen to be polite, not because I was interested
Never ask a question because I didn’t want to appear dumb
Recall a keyword with a funny story and pretend I’m having a good conversation
After learning that important journalism lesson, I saw the world differently. And it pissed me off. I began noticing that NO ONE listens. No one asks questions.
How many times have you heard the following type of interaction, or worse yet, had this conversation?
Person 1: “My son was just diagnosed with a brain tumor.”
Person 2: “Oh, my mom had a brain tumor. It was awful.”
1: “We’re really afraid. We don’t have enough insurance and the prognosis isn’t good.”
2: “Our family was in the same spot. Mom died and we were left with all the bills.”
1: “Oh my.”
2: “Yeah, and she suffered.”
1: “My boy is only five.”
2: “Mom was 85. She left us way too soon.”
1: *thinking* WTF?????
Do I have to point out all that is wrong with this interaction? You probably get the point, but for clarity, I offer my thoughts because it’s my job to get my point across. You, as the listener, have no responsibility to figure out what I, the speaker, mean.
Person 2 made this news about him/herself.
Instead, it should have sounded something like this:
Person 1: “My son was just diagnosed with a brain tumor.”
(show some empathy, person 2!)
Person 2: “oh my, I’m so sorry. That must have been a shock.”
1: “Yes. We’re devastated.”
2: “I’m so sorry. How did you find out?”
1: “Headaches. He’s only five.”
2: “Five? Wow.”
1: “I know right?”
2: “You must be overwhelmed. What do you need?”
1: “We are overwhelmed. We don’t know where to start.”
2: “Listen, I’m going to get some meals together and bring them for your kids when you’re at the hospital. We can also do a GoFundMe to help.”
1: “I hate to do that. I don’t want charity. But our insurance won’t cover most of the treatments.”
2: “That’s awful. Your friends and family love you, and we’ll help. It’s not charity, it’s family. That’s what happened when my mother got sick. We took care of her and it was the best thing.”
1: “Thank you so much!”
So the difference is, in the second conversation, Person 2 is empathetic, helpful, responsive and doesn’t make this poor child’s illness all about him/her, while still able to relate a personal fact but it ends there.
HOW TO CHANGE THE WAY YOU CONVERSE (or having a real conversation)
If you find yourself not knowing how to have a conversation, or make everything about you, or never ask questions, or find you really don’t know much about the person you just spoke with, use these ideas to start a new conversation.
Think like a journalist.
- You’re interested in the other person.
- You want to find out more about them.
- You ask questions.
- You listen to the answers.
- You keep listening and ask more questions.
- Once the topic is exhausted, you may decide to add your own personal experience, maybe not.
This kind of skill can be used to heal this country! When having political conversations, stand down on your story, and probe the person for the WHYs.
Person A: “I don’t like guns.”
Person B: “Really? Why?”
A: “Because innocent people get killed.”
B: “Yes, that’s awful. Sounds like it bothers you a lot.”
A: “It does. Aren’t you pro-gun?”
B: “Yes, but I’m trying to find out why you’re against them.”
A: “I’m ok with handguns. But we should ban automatic weapons.”
B: “I think so too!”
Common ground is found through asking questions. Finding out why people feel the way they feel goes a long way to having a real conversation, having real understanding.
Each person’s journey is valid. Their experiences and the events that shaped them are just as important and real as yours.
The more you know about someone’s experiences, and values, why they feel the way they do, the more likely you are to respect why they hold those beliefs.
Finally, respecting each person’s beliefs, even when we don’t agree, is really easy to do, though you wouldn’t know that by the way others tell it. In this country, we’re always trying to convince others to believe our way. That comes from needing strength in numbers, needing others to believe as you do to feel you’re doing the right thing.
I’m so grateful for my journalism education. It helped me understand how to be fair, more interesting and not so focused on myself.